Tips to make your relationship more better

What ruins relationships and causes most fights is insecurity.”— Olivia Wilde

We’ve all been insecure at one time or another. Insecurity is an inner feeling of being threatened and/or inadequate in some way. While it’s quite normal to have feelings of self-doubt once in a while, chronic insecurity can sabotage your success in life and be particularly damaging to your intimate relationships. It robs you of your peace and prevents you from being able to engage with your partner in a relaxed and authentic way. The actions that come from insecurity—such as always asking for reassurance, jealousy, accusing, and snooping—erode trust, aren’t attractive and can push the other person away.

While many people tend to think that insecurity comes from something their partner said or did, the reality is that most insecurity comes from inside ourselves. The feeling of insecurity can start early in life with an insecure attachment to your parents, or can develop after being hurt or rejected by someone you care about. Insecurities are maintained and built upon when you negatively compare yourself to other people and harshly judge yourself with critical inner dialogue. The majority of relationship insecurity is based on irrational thoughts and fears: that you are not good enough, that you will not be OK without a partner, that you will never find anyone better, that you are not truly lovable.

When you start to notice that sinking feeling of insecurity there are a few things you can do:

1. Take stock of your value. When you feel insecure, you are often focused on something you feel is lacking about you. In most well-matched relationships each partner brings different qualities and strengths that compliment the other. It is possible to be equals in different ways. In order to feel more secure in a relationship it helps to know what you have to offer to the other person. You don’t have to be rich or beautiful to offer something—personality characteristics are far more important to the overall quality of a relationship. Think about the traits you have as a person: nice, trustworthy, funny, kind, good communicator. These are traits most people value in their partner. And think about how you make the other person’s life better. Do you make them feel loved, supported, and happy? These are things everyone wants to feel in a relationship, but many often don’t. Focus on what you offer instead of what you feel you lack; this will change your perspective. If the other person doesn’t appreciate what you have to offer, that’s his or her loss.

2. Build your self-esteem. Research shows that people with more relationship insecurities tend to have poorer self-esteem. When you aren’t feeling good about who you are on the inside, it is natural to want to look outside of yourself for validation. However, trying to feel good by getting approval from your partner is a losing situation for any relationship. When your well-being depends on someone else, you give away all of your power. A healthy partner won’t want to carry this kind of burden and it can push him or her away. Feeling good about who you are is a win-win for the relationship. You get to enjoy the sense of well-being that comes with genuinely liking yourself, and self-confidence is an attractive quality that makes your partner want to be closer to you.

Building your self-esteem isn’t as difficult as it may seem. Building self-confidence comes with experience, but there are two steps you can take that will rapidly improve how you feel about yourself, Learn to silence your inner critic and practiceself-compassion, and retrain yourself to focus on the aspects of yourself you like instead of the ones you don’t like.