Monthly Archives: July 2016

Success Online Dating Tips

images-29Staying Anonymous for Awhile
Most online dating services use a double-blind system to allow members to exchange correspondence between each other. This allows members to communicate, but without knowing each other’s email addresses or other identifying personal information. It’s best to use the dating service’s internal, secure messaging system until you feel as though you know the person to some degree. This ensures that when you do run into the inevitable creep online, you remain anonymous and safe.

Be Realistic
Prince (or Princess) Charming may very well indeed be waiting for you online, but you should also set your expectations just a little bit lower. Most of your dates will turn out to be duds. That’s just the statistics! So it helps prepare yourself if you remember that going into the online dating process. Don’t believe that everyone who shows interest in you is worth your time. And don’t get disenchanted if your first date decides they don’t want a second. It’s easy to believe they are rejecting you personally, but it’s for the best. After all, you’re looking for a good, mutual match, not someone to swoon over. (But hey, if you find someone to swoon over, that’s cool too!)

Being realistic also means setting realistic expectations about geography. The Internet allows us to search for and communicate with people from all over the world, regardless of their proximity to us. Unfortunately, that makes a real dating relationship difficult once you have to translate it into the real world. So if you’re not willing to fly to Paris to meet Mr. Frenchie, then don’t look for anybody outside of your local community. Keep in mind, that 50 mile drive for the first date might seem like no big deal, but imagine doing that multiple times a week if things got serious. It can (and has) been done, but know what you’re getting yourself into beforehand.

Use Common Sense
It’s funny I have to write those words, but they are just so important. We sometimes feel like we’ve made an “instant connection” online with someone we’ve only just met. Some of that feeling is a result of the disinhibition that’s a part of being anonymous on the Internet today. So go slowly with new contacts and get to know the person via messaging and emails first. Then proceed to phone calls if you still feel safe, attracted, and curious. Finally, setup a first date when the time is right.

Don’t agree to do something just because it sounds like fun or exciting if it’s really not you. The point of online dating isn’t to reinvent yourself or to try out everything new under the sun. It’s to find someone you’re most compatible with, which means being yourself. So while it may sound romantic to agree to fly off to the Bahamas on a moment’s notice with someone you barely know, it isn’t very good common sense to do so. Keep your wits and instincts about you.

Proceed Slowly and Listen to Your Instinct
As I wrote above, you need to take things slowly, even when it seems or feels right immediately, or the other person is pressuring you into meeting more fast than you are comfortable with. Take things at yourpace. If the other person is a good match for you, then they will not only understand your pace, but will often mirror it! Always talk to the other person by telephone at least once before agreeing to meet for your first date. Ask for a photo (if they didn’t provide one in their profile) so that you can be assured of meeting the right person. Be on the lookout for inconsistencies in their history or any stories they tell you of their life, background, or growing up. Ask informative questions of the other person to ensure they match what and who they say they are in their profile.

Don’t feel the need to give out your phone number if you’re not comfortable doing so. Instead, ask for theirs and remember to put in the code for blocking caller ID before making the call. There’s no need to be paranoid about your privacy, but at the same time, it is wise to take simple precautions that will ensure you remain safe until you are completely comfortable. Some people also use a cell phone or even a public pay phone to ensure their potential match can’t get their home telephone number. Do what feels best and right for you.

Remember, you don’t have to meet everyone you communicate with online. Some people will obviously not be right for you and you can politely say so before ever progressing to a phone call or first date. Online dating empowers you to make choices that are right for you. So feel free to make those choices, even if you are typically unuse to doing so.

First Dates Should Be in Public
This is a no-brainer, but sometimes, even the obvious needs to be said. Never agree to meet at the other person’s place or to pick them up. Agree to meet in a public place. Most people find a restaurant is ideal, as it gives you both something else to concentrate on from time to time to break up the awkward moments. It also ensures that both parties are on their best behavior, while still allowing you the opportunity to see how your match behaves in a public situation. Be an astute observer during that first date, and don’t drink too much (if you drink at all). The purpose of a first date is to not only see if there is a mutual attraction, but to learn more about the other person in their own words and see how they communicate their intentions non-verbally. By paying attention to all of these cues and information, you will learn a lot more about your match.

If you need to travel to another location on the date, always take your own car or transportation. Always arrange for backup transportation (e.g., a friend) if you’ve relied on public transportation for a meeting. Let a friend or two know that you’ll be out on a date and if possible, have your cell phone with you at all times, on and charged. (If you don’t own a cell phone, ask to borrow a friend’s for the evening, or purchase an inexpensive pay-as-go type from your local Wal-Mart or Best Buy). You hope these are mostly unnecessary precautions, but better safe than sorry.

What is Your Expectations on Marriage

images-30A student asked this question about marriage:

I’ve been trying to focus on “no expectations”. What about marriage?  If you’re trying to live life without expectations, how can you ever get married? Isn’t that expecting the person to stay with you? It’s expecting loyalty and devotion and sharing permanently. By getting married, you’re obligating the other person to care for you for the rest of their life.   That kind of obligation brings so much comfort… Expectation seemingly gives a person something solid to rely on and believe in. It’s hard to turn that down.

How can you have comfort and no expectations?

How can you feel safe in a marriage without expecting certain things?

Expectations:

The difference of expectation compared to reality is where couples discover the challenges of their marriage. This is a very common problem and it often takes years to discover the discrepancies between reality and internal expectations. For example, a person thinking they are marrying a good person person only to discover over time they are married to someone with a dark side.It’s easy to simplify what you think of marriage into a nice ideal cartoon in one’s mind.

“Married” individuals do act differently from when they were a single person, for many reasons. Often, after the marriage occurs, partners can release stories they were hiding behind.  People shift from being an “individual” to becoming the “couple” with all the social obligations that the marriage creates. A marriage mixes together the expectations of societies, friends & children. This creates a huge melting pot of contradicting expectations. It creates challenges that makes it hard to sort out your own proper path. This is a common problem when people from different cultures (or religions) marry. The different cultural / religious expectations from the marriage change the individuals so much that … both people can become unhappy.

What happens when you don’t drop your expectations of what marriage means? Then time erodes your relationship.

As you change, as your partner changes, what is required to maintain a healthy balanced relationship changes. The true source of most problems comes out from expectations of the marriage not changing with time. This ironically forms the anvil against which the relationship will break itself over time. Even worse are the situations where people stay in their marriage at all costs. These very expectations end up breaking people to the point where the marriage literally kills them from stress and unhappiness.

I have helped guide many people through the traps of false expectations that are often created in a marriage. If you want to have a relationship that truly lasts, drop expectations that wear you down. Instead change over time with your partner.

Top tips to find your real soulmate

The first truth in how to find your soulmate is to understand the nature of a soulmate. It’s strange but most people don’t really sit down to figure out what a soulmate really is. As a result, people often force the wrong person into fitting the soulmate mold. If you want to know how to find your soulmate, then you need to actually “know”, rather than wing it in understanding what a soulmate is.

Many people are running around try to find a soulmate, thinking they will automatically feel their soulmate, simply by how effortless it will be or by the intense connection they will feel. Well this isn’t how to find your soulmate and not true at all. Unfortunately our biology will often trick us into feeling a person is the soulmate by focusing you in on the mate aspects of a relationship. Our species does desire to continue onward and as a result biological chemistry can really blind two people into falling into love for a shorter relationship for purposes of having children.

A soulmate is more than just physical chemistry, it includes mind (our stories) and spiritual (our flow) chemistry also. However, in the beginning of many relationships physical chemistry does tend to have the most powerful vote of the three aspects of our nature. Sadly physical chemistry is only enough to get two people 7 years along in their relationship (Hence the 7 year itch). To make the distance of 20 or more years you truly need mind, body and spirit all to agree on the chemistry.

Additionally, relationships with soulmates are still a relationship. All relationships have issues, even the best ones. A soulmate relationship might have fewer problems than most relationships, but even a soulmate relationship will have its challenges.

So if you haven’t read an Understanding Soul Companions yet, then please read about what makes a soul-mate “your” soul-mate first.

At different points of life we look for different attributes to compliment us . Psychologically we change quite a bit in our maturing process every seven to nine years. As a result the advice to find a soulmate does vary slightly depending on the life stage you are currently experiencing. This article will give notes about variations depending on where you are in life . So understand there exist variations of how we perceive and match to our soul partners over time which all factor into how to find your soulmate.

The First Step in How to Find Your Soulmate.

A soulmate compliments you. Your strength works with their strength. To focus in on your weakness, means you won’t find your soulmate. To live to your weakness is to find a person who compliments your weaknesses. Such a relationship is a co-dependent relationship. Co-Dependent relationships always burn out or move on in the end. Co-Dependency at first feels balanced, but the problem is as you change it spins out of control. So ironically for Co-Dependency to survive also means to always be staying within your weakness.

We need to grow. Yes we can focus on a weakness, in order to grow from that weakness. But never stay weak on purpose to keep a relationship going. That just comes at the cost of your own life.

Also to keep a person in a relationship for sake of a relationship… is a weakness that destroys a relationship.

We all have issues. A relationship is about complimenting our issues also. This may seem like a contradiction at first but it isn’t.

Our soulmates will help us work out of our issues, help us acknowledge them and then find healthy ways to work with our flaws to always be growing. A soulmate will never hold us back in our issues. A soulmate will never always stop us from making mistakes. We need to learn form our mistakes and grow.

The Second Step in How to Find Your Soulmate.

We think we know who compliments us, we judge others who would be our best mate. Ironically people are blind to the missing aspects of their own soul and issues. It’s hard to use logic and find the person who compliments you. This is why dating services do such a poor job using algorithms to find a partner for others.

Now a problem happens during the harder times of life.

The harder points of life are when we judge our partners the most. Also if you happen to be at a point of life of great change or crisis such as adolescence, quarter-life crisis or midlife crisis, everything is shifting too fast to make sense of any of it. No one can know who their soulmate when they are in the middle of crisis. (this is why soulmates seem to break in crisis). Acceptance of a soulmate comes after crisis is passed, after you release all measurements of who is best for you. You cannot measure clothing for a child as if they were an adult! Likewise you don’t measure partners while you or they are in great change. Picking a person who is best for you in the middle of any crisis doesn’t match very well for later after you have grown up from your crisis.

Release trying to find prospective partners or to hold existing partners based on measurements (judgement) especially if you are in the middle of great change.

The Third Step in How to Find Your Soulmate.

In the end, without awareness a person is moving blindly in their life. Part of awareness is to explore and to be willing to meet and talk to different people in order to both understand chemistry and how we react to others. Awareness lets us work to our essence. To make sure that when we do find a deep connection, that the connection is complete of mind, body and spirit.

Most importantly awareness, as a practice, is about connection. Without awareness equally from both parties, a relationship is blind and only one sided at best and will fail.

Relative to midlife crisis or any major change point.
A person’s awareness is focused for the first year or two back into themselves. Transformation points of life are truly about change, so it’s important that a person’s awareness does focus back inward for this period of time. This is required to help them sort out who they are and how to change. However, since awareness is required to complete the connection to your soul partner, this also means that a mid life transformation process or a larger life crisis very easily disrupts the bond between partners. During this period if the partner tries to reestablish the bond, the person in mid life transformation could just move further away, in an attempt to keep their focus on their growth. It will appear the person in mid life crisis is being selfish, (and often seemingly childish in how to try to reclaim their space. This is because they haven’t yet figured out how to express what they are feeling yet).

Understand a person in crisis or midlife change has their attention totally focused on what they feel are required changes in their transformation. A person in midlife change will move away or fight back to reclaim their space from anyone, including soul partners, who gets in way of this personal reconfiguration process. This is why mid life transformation can and does break soul partners apart. One person needs to change while the partner resists the change. Two powerful mind states that come into direct conflict and it isn’t a fun time to experience at all.

Tips to make it your last love forever

Sustainable love isn’t a myth, it is just misnamed, for love & romance to be sustainable it must constantly change to grow with those involved. The real issue isn’t in the love nor romance, it’s in how people try to define forever that is the true issue.

People think forever, is to be unchanging.

To be unchanging is to break, is to wear down to nothing trying to hold onto what was.

Most lovers try to balance out their relationships based on outside benchmarks rather than their center. To base love and romance only upon someone else’s outstretched arms…

As Yeats says

“Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold… “

Romance is all about two people coming to terms with each other. Romance goes stale when two people stay the same. Now when you base love upon the nature of change, to create an ever changing love. This then establishes a baseline that you and your partner do shift, which then leads to always renewing the romance, a romance that can last upon a centre. Something that isn’t locked into a chest but rather connected handily together with awareness instead.

Anyways, I love the Oscar Wilde quote because his quote is 100% true when people try to make forever, to only be the same thing…! That becomes the same olde same olde before you know it.

So sad, but it seems most people prefer tragic love that is always fleeting over true love that is alwayschanging. People desire  a romance that connects them to new faces rather than trying to see a partner in a new light. All because we are seeking change as part of our nature. So let romance and love truly  change with time, allowing your partner to dance with you against change over a lifetime.

Learn to understand the difference and you will discover lasting love and a kaleidoscopic romance that stays strong with your relationship over time.

Tips to find real couple on online dating

The two sides of releasing a relationship are when you need to leave and when your partner needs to leave.

This article looks at the two sides of breaking up in relationships.

When Your Partner Leaves

Occasionally we get a call where a person is trying to fix a broken relationship beyond repair. Where one person is left holding the ghost of another soul.

No single answer can truly give the person what their heart most yearns for… true love from a person who truly has left.

People look for answers, answers to explain everything… But at times the answers found can never be complete or worse really are never full. No answer I can write could force or bring back another person who truly has left. Worse all answers feel hollow since all the person has left is the void left behind by their lost love.

To those who have truly lost their love or partner, it isn’t possible to get them back in guilt, tears, bleeding hearts, holding old memories nor torn bits of soul… All these methods create false stories that erode quickly with time. Answering your loss in this manner frames a life to be doomed in embracing emptiness.

Until the time they choose to come back of their own heart, you must take care of yourself, must work to becoming stronger and finding personal answers how best to move ahead with your life. No answers will makes the next steps easier, but you still must take the steps to move ahead. Live with those who do care and find a life your heart can embrace so even if they don’t come back you have a life worth living. Don’t ever punish yourself for the other person leaving and don’t lash out in hate or pain since this only reflects back to wound your own heart.

At times pain is the answer that is left to us.

At times we must face that pain
to not embrace but to rather release that pain
so we can move beyond it.

No “one” answer removes the pain of this situation. So then release it with small steps, in small bits, like crumbs to decay with time. I can tell a person to move ahead, and to rebuild a better life, a better life because you make it your own life. This answer isn’t dependent on your former partner and it is the answer you must follow, because no matter what other people may do, this answer at least helps you live a better life. More importantly, this gives a person something to embrace eventually: themselves.

At the time of loss, this answer is the hardest one of all to accept since it does feel the emptiest. As the person can’t feel their own soul yet.

But this is the path of healing, a healing release…

Release in the end is the only answer that truly works for all.

Release opens up the possibility other people can come back freely. However, more importantly release is also the only answer that gives you your own freedom to live your life without pain.

Here is the secret to making it all work:
Release and how to live to that release will be a series of hundreds of smaller answers you cobble together over a period of a few years… that creates a new life.

Release in the end isn’t a single answer, but countless smaller steps… that become your life. A New and whole life.

You won’t see it now, but if you walk this path, you will come to a new point, a new life with wholeness that you will accept as a good life again.

So the truth is, it doesn’t matter who leaves first in a relationship. Each person has the right to veto a relationship. Once one person leaves, the other person should respond in kind to make the separation process kind. So this leads naturally into our next section of the article.

When You Need to Leave

Learning how to release is a powerful tool to help a person reorganize their life. By definition a relationship is to resist release.  As a result it’s hard to release a relationship, when a relationship has reached its natural separation point. This contradiction causes all sorts of problems. All too many people breaking up use negative habits to break their relationship in a harmful manner. This type of break up causes all sorts of spiritual problem later to resolve in life.

There is a much better way to do this all: Focus the relationship back to friendship and use kindness(Essence) to guide your steps.

The Process of Letting Go

Relationships evolve over time. A bad relationship is when the needs within the relationship have changed but the relationship itself is stuck in older patterns. If a relationship doesn’t change over time to fit those involved: then either the people inside will be unhappy or over the longer term the relationship will break.

As a result I teach how to release misconceptions holding back or harming the relationship.

The process of release is tricky. People often think they only have to release one thing… Yet most times release is a larger process of releasing several co-dependent factors. This is why release is difficult. If you don’t release fully, then other hidden problems will surface and seemingly drag you back to the original problem.

Lets look at a specific example of when a relationship is experiencing a break up. Breaking up is of course an extreme form of release.